


Broken Lines, Shattered Souls

by Virilee



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Multi, Self-Destructive Behavior, Self-Hatred, So much angst, Soulmark AU, Soulmate AU, characters in crisis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2019-09-05 23:02:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16820215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Virilee/pseuds/Virilee
Summary: Patton's spent his entire life thinking about the soulmark on his wrist, while Logan's never really cared about the lack of a soulmark on his. Roman does his best not to think about what his own wrist looks like and Virgil has more important things to think about than some silly soulmark. In the end, none of them are really prepared for the confusing realities of life, nor the truth about love in an imperfect world.WARNING! This fic involves a lot of unpleasant things like panic attacks and insomnia, so be sure to check the tags before reading! I'll be adding tags corresponding chapter as I upload them <3 stay safe, and if you catch any important tags that I missed, please let me know





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! This is a soulmate au I've been working on for nearly half a year now! That measn that it's pretty much completely written, so you can expect regular chapter updates! Hope y'all enjoy!

For as long as Patton can remember, his wrist has always held a promise. The silvery name that drapes over his skin is like a whisper of the future that he’ll have. It is a perfect future; a wife and a dog or two, and when they’re old enough, maybe even a couple of children. Patton can see it so clearly (he’s always been able to see it), and he holds these promises to himself, to comfort himself, whenever he feels sad. At five years old, it is barely better than Patton’s own messy scrawls, a haphazard set of shaky lines and curves. It is the first thing Patton looks at when he wakes up every morning, and his mother looks at him with fondness whenever she catches him staring at it.

“It is a wonderful thing, to have a soulmark, Patton.” She tells him, and then she places a dish of apple slices and peanut butter in front of him. He can see no such mark on his mother’s wrist, and briefly, Patton wonders, but the question is lost behind the growling of his stomach.

His mark had first formed when he was two, his mom explains, so his soulmate is most likely younger than him by at least a year. And then she laughs her warm laugh, and pulls out pictures, pointing to the messy scribbles that adorn his wrist in them.

_How wonderful_ , Patton remembers thinking. A mark that will change and grow with him, even as his soulmate does. Of course, at five, it’s already become much more legible and finally forms an admittedly messy name. _Elvira_. Patton reads it again, and he whispers the name into the air, feeling it reach out and wrap around him, so perfect and comforting (and maybe Patton starts practicing his own handwriting a little more diligently after that, but, wouldn’t you want your name to look perfect on your soulmate’s wrist, too?).

When Patton’s best friend moves away, at the ripe age of seven(and-a-half!), Patton cries himself to sleep for a week straight. He clings to his wrist, and the name that adorns it, and he tells himself that it’s okay, that he still has Elvira and she would _never_ leave him all alone. He starts writing letters to her that Saturday.

It becomes a weekly occurrence, after that; a letter each week, with that special name scrawled lovingly at the top of each page. He tells his soulmate about his teachers and classmates; the things he learns and the adventures he has. He writes about his favorite things, and he writes about his most secret fears. He holds Elvira close to his heart, counting down every day with a joy as he moves closer to finally - _finally_ \- being with her.

On Christmas morning, his mother presents him with a beautiful journal, hard and solid in his tiny hands, and a glittering pen to go with it, and Patton moves his letters to its pages. He takes extra care, makes his handwriting as perfect as he can, as he writes to his future. Patton cannot wait for the very day, when Patton will finally be able to share everything with her, his one true love.

Then, Steve first falls into Patton’s life, and he feels so, so angry. He’s so used to things being just him and his mom, and he grows to despise the days where he is left, alone with some stranger, as his mother goes off with some guy he doesn’t know. Patton hates Steve, not for who he is, but for what it feels like is happening, and Patton’s heart lurches nervously with the fear that he isn’t making his mother happy anymore. He wages a quiet warfare with the man; works his hardest to be the perfect child, friendly and kind, and always there when his mother needs him. But Steve doesn’t go anywhere, no matter how hard he tries, and the joy in his mother’s eyes is clear as day. So he says nothing and smiles at the man, even as his insides twist in tight, little knots. In his journal, his letters to Elvira, though, he can be honest, and he rants about his feelings to her each night, holding the thought of Elvira even closer to himself because he knows _she_ would never leave him.

But the date nights gradually shift to daytime outings, and Patton sometimes gets to come along (Patton’s never been mini-golfing before, money was always so tight), and pretending to have fun sometimes shifts into actually having fun. Patton’s fears still close in on him sometimes, but he tells himself he can handle it. After all, he has a bright, perfect future out there, waiting for him, with Elvira.

The engagement crashes into Patton’s life like a wall of bricks, and Patton watches as the stress slowly consumes his mother. She is constantly busy, always planning some minute detail, and for months, it seems like she hardly has a moment to spare for anything. First, Patton wonders if this is just their new normal, and then he wonders if all weddings are like this. He can’t imagine ever wanting to deal with something so overwhelming and stressful, but then the day finally comes and the tears that well up in Patton’s eyes taste nothing of sorrow. It’s beautiful -magical, even- and Patton can only dream of the day when he finally gets married (he wonders how Elvira would feel about lilies).

Things settle after that, and Patton finds himself relaxing into this new life, and he gradually gets used to his new stepdad. Middle school passes, mostly without exception, and High School begins similarly, but Sophomore year brings biology and with it, a rush of surprises that hit Patton like a bunch of bricks.

Patton’s partner in his biology class is named Kyle, and he’s probably one of the coolest people Patton’s ever met. He’s kind and quick-witted, and he always manages to make Patton laugh. The crush appears before Patton even begins to think about it, and sometimes, when Patton can’t sleep, he’ll let himself indulge in dreams of his classmate sweeping him off his feet, taking him on dates, and snuggling up together by a warm fire. It makes Patton feel a bit silly, because really, he already _has_ somebody to love him, and maybe they haven’t met yet, but Elvira is out there, and one day, he’ll find her, he just knows it.

After a while, Patton’s crush on Kyle fades, and life goes back to normal, but then a few weeks later, Patton finds himself smitten with another boy, Josh. Of course, a week later, Patton catches Josh harassing a freshman girl, which instantly puts an end to those feelings. He chases Josh off with a well-placed glare and escorts the poor girl into the hands of her older sister (who becomes very angry when they finally manage to explain what happened around the girl’s tears). And if Patton gives Josh the cold shoulder for the rest of the year, well, it’s only what he deserves. But a new crush quickly follows, and by the end of the year, Patton has grown used to his revolving door of crushes, because wow, there are so many pretty faces at his school, and _wow_ , there are so many nice people, and Patton can’t help but love them just a little bit.

Patton doesn’t really mind the constant crushes, at first. After all, it’s fine to like other people. Elvira is still -is always- in the back of his mind, and it’s not like he’s dating any of the boys he’s been crushing on, and-

Oh.

Nothing in Patton’s life could have ever prepared him for the painful, shocking reality that he’s gay. The pang of guilt in his heart isn’t exactly unfamiliar, but it rings anew, louder than it ever has before. After all, there’s exactly one thing he knows about his soulmate, and that’s her name. _Her_ name. So there’s kind of a problem.

“It’s fine,” The first time he tells himself this, he is utterly convinced of its truth. He is certain that his crushes all being guys is just circumstantial evidence, and really, that’s any easy enough thing to fix. Curled up in his bed on a cold March morning, Patton nods solemnly and makes a decision. “It’s fine, I just haven’t been hanging around enough girls, that’s all.” And Patton relaxes, balance returning to his world, and when he goes to school on Monday, he begins to make a conscious effort to hang out with more girls.

The first new friend he makes is named Sarah, and she’s sweet and kind and so full of love for life, and he loves her for her enthusiasm, the way she dedicates her entire self to a project the moment she commits to it. But still, he finds that he doesn’t like her quite like that, and it’s still fine; everything’s going to be all right because there’s plenty of other girls. Then he meets Melody, whose name fits her so perfectly, and he loves her like he loves the sun; so bright and warm and welcoming. But still, he loves her as a friend, and that’s fine because Dahlia is such a wonderful friend, and he’s overjoyed to have her in his life. And then Patton meets Kayla who is soft and sweet and always has a kind word for everybody, and Patton loves the way she makes him always feel so welcome, no matter what. But she’s a great friend and no more, which is fine.

It’s all fine. Patton makes a dozen new friends, and he feels warm and fuzzy on the last day of school, because he’s met so many wonderful people, and they’re all making promises to hang out over the summer, and Patton’s never felt quite so loved in his life, between his new friends and his old.

But once he’s back home, he can’t help but crawl into bed and cry, because he has so many wonderful new friends, and his life feels so perfect, but he _still doesn’t like any girls_.

“What am I going to tell her?” Patton wonders, even as the light from his window fades into the shadows of the evening. “Oh god, she’s going to hate me.” He is scared and confused, but above all, Patton feels horribly guilty, because all his life, Patton has been holding on to his dear soulmate as the one person who will never hurt him, and here Patton finally knows that he’ll be the one to hurt her.

That night is the first night that Patton begs the world to never meet his soulmate. And if Patton wakes up in the morning and pretends to the world that nothing is wrong, well... Patton has a responsibility to _add_ joy to the world, not to take it away. So, Patton spends time with all his wonderful friends, and they go swimming and have campfires, and they roast marshmallows and sing songs. And Patton makes even more new friends, because his friends have great friends, and his friend’s friends have even more friends.

And, well, if he sometimes goes home at the end of the day, and cries himself to sleep, well, the tear tracks are gone from his face by morning, so really, it’s all just fine.

Fall comes far too soon; a flurry of cooling nights and one final bout of summer storms rears its face in that final week, like the sky is sending a warning call that school is returning. Patton makes his way through the double doors on that very first day with a bright smile on his face and a deep hole in his heart. His friends greet him excitedly, and Patton smiles at them, willing back every hint of emotion with an iron grip. They chat easily about all the things they’ve done this summer, and when the conversation turns to the loss of all that free time, Patton easily steers them forward, into all the things there are to love about autumn, and how overjoyed he is to get to see all of his friends at school, every day. And his friends all grin and laugh because that’s what Patton does; he’s always looking on the bright side of things, finding a reason to smile.

None of them even begin to guess at the truth, because everything is Not Fine, and god, it’s been that way for so long now, but Patton’s absolutely remarkable at pretending. Besides, it’s not like they have any reason to go looking for the truth. And Patton keeps smiling because it’s the only thing he can think of to do (he doesn’t want to bring down the mood, after all).

Instead, Patton throws himself into his school work, and when there’s no more school work to do, he pours his time into his friends, helping them out with all their different clubs, and when Valerie jokes that he should run for class president- well, it doesn’t sound like a bad idea at all. So, he runs, and he wins, and then his free time is all being drained into the school- into fundraiser events and school dances; into listening to the complaints of his classmates and working out ways to fix their problems.

It’s rewarding work, and Patton loves it, and if he develops a crush on the class treasurer, well nobody needs to know about that.

Of course, then Logan has to ruin it by actually asking him out.

Logan is a nerdy boy, with an intense affection for facts of all kinds, but what some people have found annoying (if you go by the rumors) can only bring Patton sincere joy. There’s just something about Logan’s face when he goes on a rant about the stars or the biological history of earthworms. His love of learning is just so clear, that it makes Patton want to cry. They become easy acquaintances, and then they become easy friends, and between the two of them (and with the help of Vice President Reese), they manage to do a lot of great things for the school. Patton squashes down the hints of a crush easily -at this point, lying about his feelings seems almost more natural than telling the truth- and it works for a while.

Then Logan catches Patton’s arm as they’re leaving a meeting, and quietly asks to speak to him.

“Sure, Logan.” Patton says, carefully squashing the jitters, and smiling as brightly as he can manage. “What’s up?”

“The fall formal’s in two weeks.” Logan begins, and Patton tries his best to pay attention, but Logan is standing perfectly still, and Patton doesn’t think he’s ever seen someone do such a good job of imitating a statue, and his eyes are awfully pretty, but they really have been staring at him for quite a long time, and he still hasn’t-

“Do you ever blink?” Patton asks. The eyes in question blink in response.

“I’m- sorry?” Logan looks confused now, and he seems to have relaxed a little bit, which Patton supposes is a good thing, but he also just interrupted Logan, which is probably not so good.

“Oh, whoops!” Patton exclaims, head reeling as he realizes that he hadn’t been hearing a single word Logan. “I got a bit distracted there. Must be more tired than I thought. Could you say that again, please?

“I-”

“Oh! You said something about the fall formal, right?” Patton remembers, but now he’s interrupted Logan a second time and the nervous jitters are back full force. “What’s up? Did something fall through? Are we over-budget?”

“No, I-” Logan grimaces. “Our plans are going perfectly, and everything’s in order.”

“Then what?”

“I wanted to ask you if you’d go with me.” Logan says, “To the fall formal, I mean.”

“Oh.” Patton blinks, then glances at the ground, because he can’t remember ever wanting anything this bad in his entire life, and isn’t that just horrid, because this is just Logan; just some random boy, just a passing crush, and he’s got a soulmate and her name’s Elvira, so why does he want this so badly? Heck, Logan’s got his own soulmate too, hasn’t he, and he’s only asking Patton because he feels like he has to have a date or something, so it’s not like it really means anything, anyway.

“Sure.” Patton answers, choking down the guilt and smiling at his friend. Looking relieved, Logan suggests a time, and as he walks away, Patton lets his smile drop for a brief moment. _It means nothing_ , Patton tells himself, even as his heart leaps and soars with joy.

_It means nothing._

In typical Patton fashion (or at least, as he has recently come to expect of his life), it most certainly does _not_ mean nothing. In fact, it almost certainly means _something_ , as Patton discovers, while they’re waiting for their dinner, prior to the dance.

“It’s all a bit silly, isn’t it?” Patton says with a laugh, glancing over at Logan from across the table. He’s awkward and nervous, grabbing blindly for any topic he can think of, desperate to quell the building silence between them.

“What is?” Logan asks.

“Dating.” Patton shrugs, “I mean, here we are, because we’re supposed to be, knowing full well that we’re not going to work out. Yet we still both agreed. It’s just... odd.” Patton starts thinking he might have screwed up when he sees emotion flash across Logan’s usually-expressionless face, and his next words only serve to confirm that suspicion.

“And how do we know that?” Logan responds, eyes raising to lock with Patton’s and a frown beginning to make itself known on his lips.

“Well, I mean we’ve both got soulmates somewhere out there. But here we are...” Patton trails off, because he’s definitely messed up and Logan’s got this weird look on him- like he’s the loneliest person in the world, or maybe like he just swallowed something exceptionally sour.

“I don’t.” Logan responds in a dry, almost harsh voice, and Patton feels his entire body flinch involuntarily, confusion rippling through his mind.

“You don’t- what?” He can’t quite seem to parse whatever it is Logan’s saying. He can tell it’s important, though, and he feels like he’s missing something immense, something obvious. For a moment, he’s swimming in his confusion, the world shifting around him, and then Logan speaks, and everything stops.

“I don’t have a soulmate.” And then Logan’s lifting his right arm, and he’s undoing the button to reveal his wrist. As Patton stares at the blank wrist, everything comes grinding to a halt and his life stares back at him. Everything makes sense. His mother, her bare wrist. The unexpectedness of Steve (why she had never talked about him before they met), and how confused he had been, the wistful tone that her voice had always taken on when they talked about his mark. He looks back and sees it all, and for the first time in his life, he understands her.

“Oh,” is all he can say out loud, still reeling and unsure and it takes a moment to gather his thoughts back to the here and now, where Logan is staring at him, and the waiter arrives to take their orders, and Patton scrambles to catch up.

“I didn’t know that was possible,” Patton murmurs, shifting uncomfortably in his seat, as he begins to realize just how badly he’s messed things up. His life has always revolved around one day meeting his soulmate, and Logan just- doesn’t have one?

“Very much so. Actually, about 12.4% of the population doesn’t have a soulmark.” Logan’s face is unreadable, and Patton finds himself at a loss for words, unsure what he can do to make Logan happy again (and god, does he want Logan to be happy).

“Wow.” Is there even anything else he can say?

“I take it you do have one, then?” Logan’s question comes as a shock, though really, Patton should have expected it. There’s only one problem; Patton has no clue how to answer that, and Logan doesn’t push him, so maybe he doesn’t really have to say.

Their table remains silent as they wait for the food, and then it comes and the only sounds are those of them both digging into their pasta.

“12.4 percent, huh?” Patton finally asks. “So it’s actually fairly common, then? To not have a soulmate, I mean.”

“Mmmm,” Logan hums, taking a sip of his water before answering. “Sort of. Only about 5% of people don’t ever get a soulmark. We are decidedly the minority of people, and plenty of people never run into the problem. Most people like me tend to be fairly secretive about it.”

“Are you?”

“I don’t see any reason to go around telling everybody, but I’m perfectly willing to correct people when they make incorrect assumptions.” Patton blushes at that, but Logan’s quick to offer him a conspiratory grin. But his mind’s running now, and there are possibilities that he hasn’t even considered, and maybe Logan knows, maybe Logan can explain _her_.

“Have you ever heard of anyone having a false soulmark?” Patton blurts out, but Logan only smiles and shakes his head.

“Patton, there’s no need to feel bad. It’d be rather improbable for the first person I asked out to remain my partner forever. I asked you to the dance, because I thought you would make for an enjoyable companion for the night, not because I expected some illogically perfect romance.” So Patton drops the topic, and switches over to something bland about school, but it’s a much safer topic, and when their food is finally eaten, they go to the dance and for one night, Patton manages to forget about his soulmark.

After that evening, things manage to somehow both change dramatically, and to stay totally the same. Patton and Logan grow even closer, and even though Patton’s crush still isn’t going away, it’s not too much of a hardship to just never mention it.

Junior year comes to a close with Logan asking out a cute boy by the name of Roman, and Patton finds himself taking just as much of a liking to him as he has to Logan. Roman has something of the same fiery spirit that Patton has so quickly grown to love in Logan, and he watches their companionship flourish with an enthusiasm that he doesn’t quite feel.

How lucky, he finds himself thinking, to find somebody you mesh so well with, even without the help of a soulmark. And then he glances to the soulmark on his own arm, hidden behind a careful layer of makeup, and guilt washes over him. After all, when was the last time he thought about Elvira? When exactly had he grown to hate the scrawling writing that digs into his own skin? He used to treasure it more than anything but now the scribbled lines feel more like a threat.

Somewhere during that summer, the mark starts changing. There are days where he lets the makeup wash down the shower drain, and the writing on his wrist looks confused and furious, lines drawn right on top of other lines, like the very mark has become some dangerous mutated thing. Other days, he can’t even tell the makeup’s gone, because the writing is barely visible, a faded whisper of a name on blank flesh. There are days in between, too, where everything seems normal, and in those brief moments, Patton wonders for the first time if he just might be losing it.

Time passes almost frantically, as Patton throws himself desperately into maintaining his facade, even as the edges begin to unravel. Valerie stops by unannounced one day and catches him red and puffy with the signs of recent tears, but he brushes it off as having watched a sad movie, and she buys it because really, it wouldn’t be that out of character for him. Still, the pain rings inside him, even as they wander through the mall, chatting about whatever comes to mind. He carefully dances around invitations to go swimming (it would wash away the makeup), and for a while it works, and he thinks that he just might get away with this lie he’s telling, this lie that he hates even as he tells it. But then, it all falls to pieces, burning up in an instant as Patton knew it inevitably would.

It happens when a heat wave settles over their town, and Roman decides to surprise Logan and Patton, attacking them with a water gun as they sit, Logan ranting about some new topic of study, and Patton listening happily.

“Surprise!” Roman shouts, as the first stream of water hits Patton square in the chest. He stands for a moment, stunned and unmoving, as Logan stares in shock at his boyfriend. They recover simultaneously, though, and Logan immediately dashes inside the house, leaving Patton as the unfortunate sole recipient of Roman’s water-based attentions. _This is bad_ , Patton thinks as he does his best to duck and dodge the streams of water, trying his best to shelter his arm while he runs for the street.

Roman is, unfortunately, not easily deterred once he has decided a course of action, however, and he chases Patton, laughing happily, even as tears begin to form in the corners of Patton’s eyes. Patton runs up the street, gripped with a terror that he barely even understands, mind reduced to nothing but an echo of one word, over and over.

_Run._

But he’s not fast enough, and Roman’s too determined, and the blast of water that slams into his arm hits the mark with painful precision. Patton pulls his arm in even further, clutching it desperately to himself, trying to hide the horror of it, but it’s already too late. Behind him, Roman’s laughter dies off, even as Logan comes sprinting out of the house with a water gun of his own. Patton pays no notice, though, only running further and harder, until he’s made it the entire two miles home, and can lock himself in his room, curled up into the smallest ball he can make, and hidden beneath his blankets. Here, his tears can finally fall.

The knocking on his door startles Patton out of an uneasy sleep, and he groans quietly, slowly focusing in on the muffled voice coming from the other side of his door. His stepdad is home, so it must be evening.

“Patton? Your friends are here. They say they really need to talk to you.” Patton winces. He doesn’t know what to do anymore; doesn’t know how to explain it, doesn’t know how to tell the people who have become most important to him, just how messed up he really is. But the knocking doesn’t go away, and this time it’s followed by a different voice.

“Patton?” Logan’s voice is shockingly comforting in its familiarity, and suddenly Patton doesn’t want to run anymore. “I believe it is imperative that we speak about what happened earlier. Please allow us to come in?” He pushes himself upward as Logan speaks, shuffling across his room and unlocking the door with one heavy hand. A part of him hopes that they hadn’t seen, that he can still come up with some dumb explanation, but more than that, he’s just so tired. Tired of lying, tired of hiding and running and pretending that nothing’s wrong. The damage will be done.

“Hey” Patton whispers, once the door’s swung open to reveal his friends’ worried faces. He feels strangely small beneath Logan’s steady gaze, and Roman shuffles anxiously behind him, bouncing up and down in place in the way he does only when he’s really worried. Guilt washes over him- it’s his fault that they feel like this.

“Sorry-” Patton tries to begin, but in that moment, Logan surges forward, pulling Patton into a hug and before he can think, he’s crumpling into Logan’s arms, sagging beneath the weight of all his lies. With Roman’s help, he finds himself guided back to his bed, Logan wrapping his arms even more securely around him as the first sob breaks through the final vestiges of Patton’s resolve.

Logan stays calm and solid against him, hand rubbing Patton’s back gently, as tears start pouring down his face. Beside him, he can just barely catch Roman, humming out a gentle tune, that makes Patton’s heart clench in the most confusing of ways. Now that he’s started, Patton finds that he can’t stop crying, and time stands still, as his painful sobs gradually die down to silence. Patton thinks it’s the last of his tears, right up until Roman starts singing some soft, gentle lullaby. The love that wells up inside him is so much that it _hurts_ , and suddenly he can’t breathe, tears streaming down his face once more, as he curls in on himself, feeling very much like the ground beneath his feet has disappeared. Time doesn’t resume until this second bout of tears ends, and he pries himself away from Logan, glancing nervously down at the state of his shirt, soaked through by his tears. His nose feels horribly stuffy, and he vaguely notices the beginnings of a headache coming on, but still he feels just that little bit better as he takes a deep breath and risks glancing up at Logan’s face.

His expression is as unreadable as ever, but beside them Roman looks pained, and Patton can’t think of anything that could explain this all away, but it turns out that it doesn’t matter because when Logan’s confirmed that Patton’s tears have truly finished, he grasps Patton’s wrist with a gentle but firm grip.

_Oh._

“Damp washcloth?” Logan murmurs, Patton staring helplessly, as Roman jumps up to retrieve the requested item. For a moment, he considers fighting them, but Logan’s grip is too solid and, anyways, Patton really just doesn’t want to keep playing this game of lies.

Roman’s hands gently wipe the smeared make-up away, and Patton shrinks into himself as his two closest friends watch the abomination beneath reveal itself. The mark that had once read Elvira is tangled and illegible, a mass of lines twisting back over onto itself, and Patton can almost feel the pain radiating from it. Pain that he had created; pain that he had caused.

“Patton.” Logan whispered, voice stained with distress. “You weren’t asking for me, were you?”

“What?” The words startle Patton out of his despair, and he blinks up at his friend, trying to piece his question together.

“When we were at dinner, before the fall formal. You asked me if there were such thing as a false soulmate. I thought you were just attempting to make me feel better, but this...” Logan trails off, pulling Patton’s wrist closer, to examine it. “Has it always been like this?” Logan asks, voice dropping into the emotionless tone it takes when Logan is deeply focused. The question catches Patton off guard, and the whirlwind of emotions kicks back up and surrounds him, until Roman’s hands brace themselves on Patton’s shoulders, pulling him back down, and grounding him enough to choke out an answer.

“No.”

“What did it used to look like?” Roman asks, voice a warm baritone, next to Patton’s ear. He’s trembling, but they’ve already started down this path and now he’s helpless to stop it. Slowly, he begins to explain, and with a rambling voice, the entire story gradually comes tumbling out of him. He tells them about Elvira, and the joy he always felt when he thought of her. He talks about the letters he used to write to her, and he tells them about how much he looked forward to meeting her. But then, he tells them about his crushes, and how he realized he didn’t like girls, how he _tried_ so hard to like them, but he just- couldn’t. And then, he tells them about how the mark had started changing, growing darker with pain and sometimes seeming to fade away completely, and how it was all Patton’s fault, because he couldn’t just be happy with his soulmate like a _normal person_.

“Falsehood.” Logan interrupts, before he can say anymore.

“What?”

“There’s no conclusive evidence that you are the cause of this,” Logan replies, poking at the mark with a finger.

“But I don’t like girls.” Patton interjects.

“Plenty of soulmates decide on a platonic relationship.”

“But what about the timing? It didn’t start happening until I-” Patton doesn’t even get to finish that argument, before Logan cuts him off.

“Correlation does not imply causation.” Beside Patton, Roman snorts.

“Saw that answer coming a mile away.” Roman mutters, surprising a weak laugh out of Patton.

“What else could it be, though?” Patton whispers, wanting desperately to believe Logan’s logic, even as he knows that it’s wrong.

“That is TBD. To be determined. I’ve only ever done research into missing or disappearing soulmarks, so I’m going to need some time to look into this.” Logan pulls out his phone, quickly tapping out words as Roman pulls Patton into a hug.

“I know what this means,” Roman says with a grin. “SLEEPOVER!” He scoops Patton up easily into his arms and makes a dash for the door. Patton thinks maybe he should be fighting this, because he’s still convinced that Logan’s wrong, but for now he can’t help but want to feel better, no matter how selfish it is.

Roman carries him all the way out to the car, and carefully maneuvers the car door open without dropping Patton. Moments later, he’s being gently plopped down into the passenger’s seat as Roman dashes around to slide in the driver’s seat beside Patton, who does his best to smile at the enthusiastic boy.

“So,” Roman drawls. “You and Logan, huh?”

“What?” Patton squeaks, flushing scarlet.

“And I thought it was just a rumor!” Roman says with a laugh. “Why did you guys break up?”

“It was only the one date- Logan realized I had a soulmark, so... There’s no point in dating someone who’s already taken, y’know?” Patton shrugs as nonchalantly as he can.

“Do you still like him?” Roman asks, as Patton determinedly stares out the window.

“Does it matter?” Patton counters. “You guys are dating now, and you’re awesome together.” Roman falls silent after that, and they wait for Logan to jump into the back seat, carrying a bag of Patton’s stuff.

“I told your father that you’re spending the night at my place.” Logan informs him. “He said to be back in time for dinner tomorrow.” Patton nods, and goes back to looking out the window, as Roman starts up the car, and drives away. He stops by his own house to quickly grab overnight stuff, and then they head onwards, to Logan’s place.

When they arrive, Patton makes it about a foot out of the car, before Roman catches up with him, and promptly sweeps him back up into his arms. Patton squeaks in response and flails for a moment, before wrapping his arms around Roman’s shoulders to regain his balance. Once inside, they drop their stuff in the den, and Roman immediately draws Patton into helping him use all the blankets, pillows and cushions in the house to make the perfect blanket nest for the three of them. Halfway through, Logan walks through the door, carrying a couple pizza boxes, and Roman jumps up to steal them away to a corner of the room, where he hovers over them, mock-growling. Patton laughs, and runs over, determined to steal back the pizzas from Roman’s greedy claws, while Logan leaves again to retrieve drinks for them too.

“I want to take a picture of your soulmark, okay Patton?” Logan asks the next morning. It’s the first time any of them have mentioned the mark since they left Patton’s house and he starts at the mention.

“What? Why?”

“Observation. You said it’s actively changing, right? I want to start documenting how quickly it’s changing, and in what ways. I’d like to start getting a clear picture of it every morning, if that’s all right.”

“Uh-” Patton’s about to refuse, but Logan looks almost painfully fascinated, and then Roman gently brushes his arm, and Patton can feel himself melting under his friends’ careful affections. Maybe it is his fault, he finds himself thinking, but maybe with Logan and Roman to help him, they can fix whatever he’s done.

“Okay.” Patton says, pulling up his sleeve, as Logan pulls out his phone and takes a picture of his wrist. Patton tries his best not to grimace at the sight of the mark, but it must be obvious that he’s very uncomfortable with the situation because as soon as his phone is back in his pocket, Logan pulls Patton into a rare, treasured Logan-hug.

“I know this is difficult, Patton, but we’ll figure out what’s happening. I promise.” Tears prick at Patton’s eyes, as he clings to Logan. Moments later, Roman’s pulled them both into a hug of his own.

It becomes a habit, from then on. Every morning, Patton takes a picture of his soulmark, which he sends to Logan, and then immediately deletes from his phone. He does his best to smile and pretend that Logan’s research doesn’t bother him, but when it all gets to be too much, he finds his friends to be incredibly caring and encouraging, and Logan is quick to halt his rants, when he catches Patton’s lip beginning to quiver. And even when no progress is being made, Patton reminds himself that Logan won’t rest until he has an answer, a solution to this problem.

“Really,” Logan complains, one afternoon. “I have tried every combination of key words I can think of, but inevitably, all that comes up in my research of changing soulmarks is about them developing as the soulmate learns to write.” Logan bangs his head against the table with a groan.

“Well...” Roman offers with a frown. “Maybe it’s related? I mean, what if something happened and Elvira lost her ability to write?” Logan blinks, and stares over at his boyfriend in surprise.

“So, it could be some form of brain damage?” Logan begins, pulling out his notebook, and beginning to scribble in it. “Everything I’ve found so far seems to claim that soulmarks tend to stop changing by the time the individual starts puberty, but that could just be a case of handwriting tending to stop developing around then. And then there’s the matter of the days where it fades, however that is a possible solution. It’s worth spending some time to examine it, at the very least.” And Logan’s eyes are filled with spirited determination, writing out theories and possible circumstances. Patton stares, feeling

confused and frustrated. Logan is insistently examining every possible theory but the one that Patton is certain is right. The events all line up too perfectly,

“Jeremy!” Logan shouts as he walks up to their lunch table, startling Patton into dropping his spoon, and splattering applesauce onto the table. Roman blinks in confusion, then rushes to help Patton wipe up the mess with his napkin. Logan sits down, slamming his notebook down onto the table with a satisfied look. Patton nervously glances over at Roman, but he seems to have no more idea what Logan’s on about than he does.

“Okay, I’ll bite.” Roman responds finally, “who’s Jeremy?”

“Elvira!” Logan says, pulling two of the most recent pictures of Patton’s soulmark out of a folder, and presenting them on the table. Patton flinches, and Roman reaches out to place a sympathetic hand on his shoulder as they wait for Logan to explain what on earth he’s even talking about.

“I was examining the similarities between the most recent pictures, and it occurred to me that the writing seemed particularly similar to the effect created by writing things on top of each other. So I did my best to isolate out the lines that spelled ‘Elvira’ from all the rest. From there, I started trying to separate the names into other legible words or names, and then it all started making sense!” Logan turned to smile at Patton, gently pushing his notebook in front of the other boy. “Patton, it’s as if your name is attempting to be many names at once. You’ve Elvira, like you always did, but laid over that is also Jeremy, and if my analysis is correct, there’s also Matthew.”

Patton stares at the diagrams on the page, the scrawling, jagged letters spelling out the three names separately, then written over each other to create the jagged mess that is Patton’s mark. It makes as much sense as anything, but...

“So,” Patton begins, fidgeting nervously, “it really is my fault?”

“NO!” Roman shouts, loudly enough that the group at the next table all glance up in confusion, staring for a moment as Patton blushes uncomfortably, before they go back to their own conversation. “No,” Roman repeats more quietly. “That’s _not_ what he’s saying, I can’t believe you still think that, Patton!”

“Yes I, too, had thought we made it clear that this is in no way your fault.” Logan agrees eyeing Patton with what can only be concern.

“But,” Patton points out, “if my name is trying to a boy, then isn’t that what’s happening? I’m gay, and it’s trying to make my name fit that.”

“Not necessarily. There’s still much research to do, after all.” Logan reprimands gently, voice as calm and steady as it always is. “This just means it’ll be easier for me to find the right research, because I know what, precisely, is happening to your mark.”

“Exactly.” Roman says, shifting over on the bench, so he can pull Patton into a hug.

“In the meantime,” Logan catches Patton’s eye as he speaks. “I think it might be worth considering the possibility of speaking to a professional about this. A therapist might be able to assist in your feelings of guilt surrounding this issue.”

“I’m not sure, Logan, that’s...” Patton trails off, not sure how to explain the roiling feeling in his gut at the very though of telling a stranger about all of this. What if they tell him it is his fault?

“Just think about it. Either way, Roman and I are here to support you.” Roman wraps his arms around Patton as Logan says this, and tears prick at Patton’s eyes as he wonders what he ever did to deserve such caring friends.

Weeks pass, though, and Patton has no idea how he’d even bring it up to his parents. Logan is no closer to an answer and Patton keeps taking the pictures, but he can feel despair slowly closing back in, his world shrinking, and he doesn’t know how to stop it. Sorrow tugs at the corners of his mind, and he slowly realizes that he’s found the one thing Logan can’t be objective about. Every time Patton brings up the possibility of the changes being his fault, Logan shoots the idea down before he’s even finished speaking.

So, Patton decides to do his own research. He barely has the time, between studying and filling out college applications and class leadership. At Roman’s gentle suggestion, Patton runs for vice president this year, allowing Roman to fill in the position of president (he wins by a landslide), and the position is certainly a bit easier to manage, but he still has an obligation to his students, and so Patton does his best to be happy and enthusiastic and friendly during school hours.

In the end, Patton concludes that the only way he’ll have time to do any research of his own is to take it out of his sleeping hours, and by late November, he’s running on just six hours of sleep a night, miserable and exhausted, but just barely successful at balancing it all out. He feels like he’s dancing on a knife-edge; one slip and he’ll fall into the deep abyss beneath him.

It’s January before Patton finally has his first break-through, and it comes in the form of another person, someone online who’s soulmark has been doing the exact same thing, and through direct messages they wage a friendship, sitting up in the dark of night, and worrying over the strange nature of it all.

Emile is in college, studying psychology, and he lives halfway across the country, so they’d never have met if it weren’t for his chance post about his own soulmark’s strange behavior. He’s warm and kind, and where Patton is terrified of the meaning behind his mark’s changing, Emile is much calmer about the whole thing. Patton takes it as something of a relief, though, when Emile doesn’t tell him immediately that his fears are wrong the way Logan does. He takes solace in all the different theories Emile mentions, from the completely mundane, to the wildly plausible, and Patton gradually finds himself engaging in wild ‘what if’ fantasies, right alongside him. They quickly find themselves becoming good friends.

_My tattoo’s finally settling, I think!_ The message comes, late one night, Patton’s alarm clock blinking out 1:26 in bright red lines. Patton doesn’t even bother to question why Emile’s still up, glancing over at his own homework, still half completed and strewn across his desk. He just can’t find the energy to finish it yet, but he knows he has to stay up until he does.

_Oh_ Patton responds, nervously tapping his fingers on the keyboard as he tries to think up a reasonable response. _Congratulations!_ The message he settles on is bland and boring, but Patton’s exhausted and he just can’t think of anything better. A bland response is, after all, better than upsetting Emile by ignoring him.

_I know, right?!_ Comes the answer. _I can’t believe it, I’m so excited to meet him!_ Patton stares at the screen, and slowly, anger begins to well up beside the exhaustion. Is Emile really that unconcerned about his old soulmate? Does he really care that little about what’s happened to her? In the back of Patton’s mind, the worst case scenario surges forward, dark and sinister. There’s only one thing Patton knows of that can cause a soulmark to disappear. He pushes that thought back, though, as hard as he can. He doesn’t want to think about it, doesn’t want to consider what that might mean for him, for Elvira.

_Aren’t you worried about Danielle?_ Patton writes that evening, curled up in bed and reading over the most recent messages. He glances down at his own wrist; the mark there is still a mess, and Patton frowns, trying to remember how it looked before this all began.

_Not really?_ The reply comes ten minutes later. _I mean, if I got a new soulmate, then she probably did too._ Huh. Patton hadn’t even considered that.

_I guess..._ It’s an easier thought, that Elvira might be perfectly fine, might just be out there with a new name forming on her wrist; someone better for her, someone who can be enough. Briefly, Patton wishes that it could be the truth. He doesn’t even need a soulmark. He’ll be fine without it, he can just find someone like his mother did, the other way. He can find someone without a soulmark too, it can just be them against the world.

~~He can find someone like Logan.~~

He blacks that last thought out before it can fully form; it’s a road he doesn’t want to go down. The crush hasn’t gone away, and worse, he’s started to grow so fond of Roman too, that it makes his insides churn with guilty confusion. _I had my chance,_ Patton tells himself, thinking back on the botched dance Patton had attended on Logan’s arm. But Logan has Roman now, and they’re happy and Patton would never dare to intrude on that. Especially not when this mark still glares across his arm. After all, even if the world decides he’s too broken to deserve a soulmate, well, in that case why should he impose himself upon anyone else?

Roman is the one to finally figure it out. Emile is no closer to finding his new soulmate than Patton’s mark is to settling on a name, but on a cold morning in mid-February, Roman comes sprinting up to Patton before classes even start, bouncing excitedly, with an expression that walks the fine line between excited and maniacal. Logan and Patton both glance up from the bench they’d been sitting on, discussing the possibilities of college next year.

“I know what’s happening to your mark!” He exclaims, drawing attention from nearby students, as Patton stares at him helplessly.

“You... do?” Logan’s voice betrays skepticism, but he doesn’t say a word. “I’ve still been having trouble finding any research-”

“That’s because you’re not looking in the right place!” Roman seems almost concerningly excited as cuts off Logan, and Patton tries not to giggle at Logan’s dumbfounded expression. “It’s only been becoming so common a problem in the last half-century, and mostly just within certain circles. I only figured it out, because I met someone who’s already _gone through this._ ” Roman pauses here. Patton can tell he’s relishing in the suspense, but Logan has no such patience.

“Well then? What’s the problem, if you’re so smart.” Patton shares a look with Roman at that. Logan has a bit of a sore spot when it comes to not being in the know on something, and this’ll probably have to be dealt with later, but for now...

“Yeah Roman, what’s wrong with me?”

“Nothing!” Roman says, stretching his arms out wide. “Your soulmate is trans!”

This revelation shocks them both into silence. It’s a possibility that none of them had ever considered, but-

“Well. That makes an inordinate amount of sense. The tattoo going all weird in the first place must have been a result of them becoming uncomfortable with their birth name, and now-”

“Oh my god they’re trying to choose their new name.” Patton breathes out, shock and relief washing over him.

“Yep!” Roman says, plopping down onto the bench. “I had that audition for the local community theatre yesterday, and I got talking to one of the other actors there, and they were gay, so I asked them if they’d ever heard of anything like what’s been happening to you, Patton. Turns out, not only had they heard of it, they’d been through it!”

“Woah.” Patton has no clue what to say, or do; no idea how to process, it, but he can’t help but be relieved. El- His soulmate is still there for him, and he’s not going to hurt them, after all. He moves through the rest of the school day in a daze, barely hearing anything his teachers say.

Eventually, it’s time to go home, and Patton finds himself stuck in the middle of his room, filled with nervous energy that seems to have nowhere to go, trying to understand what this means for him, for his soulmate, for everyone.

Finally, Patton’s dancing eyes rest on the journal, sitting on his bookshelf, forgotten for so long, and with a deep breath, Patton takes the first step towards it. Gently, he pulls it out of his bookshelf, and opens it, flipping to the last page he wrote on. The date stares back at him, almost a year ago, when he ended his weekly tradition of writing to- him. Patton makes his way carefully over to his desk, and with a shaking hand, he grabs his favorite pen, and begins to write once more.

_To my soulmate._

_I guess I really don’t know anything about you now, huh? Eventually, I’ll know your name again, when the dust settles and you find the one that’s right for you, but for now I guess I’ll just have to wait. It’s been a heck of a year, and I’m sorry I stopped writing, but when my soulmark started changing- well, I sort of thought it was all my fault. I guess we’re more in sync than we thought, if you started discovering your gender at the same time I was figuring out my sexuality, huh? Funny, how these things work. I can’t wait to meet you, when we can both sit back and laugh about the mess that this past year has been for both of us, I’m sure. I hope you’re safe…_

On and on, he writes, until he’s written pages and pages, telling his soulmate all about the past year, the confusion and fear, the worry he felt for them. Patton tells them all about his best friends, and how they’d helped him understand what was happening and shown him so much love and support. He tells them everything, and finally he promises not to ever stop writing his soulmate letters again.

Patton closes the journal with a deep sigh, feeling better than he has in a very long time, and he finally finds himself glancing down at the mark that adorns his wrist. It's still as messy as ever, and Patton has no idea when that will change, but he knows he’ll wait as long as it takes. And for now, while he doesn’t know what their name will be, he does know one thing- and with that, Patton hunts through his backpack for whiteout, and turns back to the very first page of his journal. Carefully, he begins to white out his dear soulmate’s deadname, leaving the spaces blank and new, awaiting whatever name his beloved soulmate will choose. And when he finally reaches the end, just in time for his mother to call him to dinner, Patton takes a deep breath and smiles. He feels ready to face whatever his future holds, with his two dearest friends by his side, and eventually, his beloved soulmate finding their way to him as well.


	2. Chapter 2

Roman has two parents and they love him. He knows they do, even though they never really say it in so many words. He knows because they show him, because they go to his theatre performances, and because they look at his report card and smile proudly, even though it’s far from perfect. They love him because he is their son, and he knows it.

Roman knows his parents love him, because they show it; because they make his favorite foods when he’s feeling bad, and because they’re always willing to plan their weeks around Roman’s performances, no matter how big or small they are. Roman knows they love him, even as they scold him for still being up, when the red of his alarm clock is blinking back some ridiculous time -and how is it 2:30 am already? - and fret over his slipping grades. He knows that his parents love him more than anything in the world, but they also don’t understand him.

They don’t understand him when they make their quiet little comments about how he should be focusing on schoolwork, even as he works on his stories and drawings, as he works on his biggest passions. He knows this because they never know how to compliment him in the lobby after performances (all they ever have to say is “wow, your part had so many lines”). Roman is the child of an engineer and a nurse, and they do not understand the artistic passions that drive their son’s life.

Most of the time, Roman is fine with this. He knows that his family can’t be expected to understand everything he cares about, but still, it hurts when they stare blankly in the face of his enthusiasm, and it hurts when he gets so little praise for the parts of his life that he truly cares about, where he’s putting all his effort.

That’s how Roman meets his boyfriend, after all, desperate for a tutor, desperate for someone to help him bring his grades up. He wants nothing more than to impress his parents, to show them his report card and smile, not in the consoling way, but in the surprised way of somebody who’s truly been shown something amazing. And Logan is practically a genius, so of course it’ll work, and then it turns out that they get along so well, and he has such pretty eyes that Roman can’t help asking him out.

Roman wasn’t really expecting him to say yes.

But Logan does say yes, and they go on dates and it’s so much fun, and Roman’s acquisition (and indeed choice) of a boyfriend seems to impress his parents even more, and it’s so great because Logan is everything his parents are, and more. Logan is smart and dedicated, and he cares about things like math and science. But he also understands literature, and has strong opinions on Shakespeare, and they disagree on so many things, but that’s okay because at least Logan cares. And Logan always finds something interesting to comment on when he comes to Roman’s performances.

And of course, Roman isn’t able to date Logan for very long without getting to know Patton, who’s Logan’s best friend, so he ends up not only getting a boyfriend out of the deal but also a best friend, because really, Patton is one of the kindest people in the world and Roman loves him near immediately.

And when they’re all together, things seem mostly perfect, and Roman is happy and relaxed and feels like the world is his to conquer. But at night he goes home and sits in his bedroom, all alone, trying to balance the weight of his parents’ dreams as well as his own, and if the effort leaves him a bit tired in the morning, well, sometimes these things are necessary. It isn’t like sleep comes easily for him anyways, and his parents are always saying that if he isn’t going to go to bed, he might as well be doing something productive (the fact that they’re usually talking about doing chores isn’t important).

Things change a bit in the summer before senior year, though, as they find out about Patton’s changing soulmark and the horrifying self-hatred he’s harboring that they somehow both missed. It’s shocking and it hurts, because Roman knows so well how Patton must feel, so he dives into the work of distracting his friend, even as Logan pushes himself harder and harder to find the answers to counter Patton’s self-hatred. There’s talk of therapy, but they’re all still teenagers and don’t know the first thing about bringing it up to parents, so in the meantime Roman makes a vow to support his best friend as best he possibly can. Roman’s own schoolwork starts to fall out of priority, and the looks on his teachers faces betray their concern, but every smile Roman manages to coax out of Patton makes it all feel more than worth it.

Still, this isn’t a balance that Roman can maintain forever, and he catches the time on his clock growing later every night when he finally makes it to bed.

So Roman starts to arrive at school every day, bleary eyed and wishing he could get just a few more hours sleep but he ignores the weight in his eyelids and powers through his classes, determined to ignore the parts of his brain that are screaming for soft pillows and warm blankets.

Of course, sometimes Roman slips and zones out, and misses his teachers saying important things, or he loses track of his conversations with Logan and Patton, but Logan is always there to fill in the gaps of his notes, and neither of his friends seem inclined to say anything when his mind starts to drift. So, it’s easy enough to ignore the tugging at his eyes. And if Logan seems to get a bit annoyed when Roman struggles to wrap his mind around basic math concepts, well, is it too horrible if Logan just thinks Roman is dumb? He is dating Roman, after all, and the thing is, Roman knows that Patton and Logan aren’t going to be around forever. They all have hopes and dreams, and he and Logan may be dating, but they aren’t soulmates after all, so neither of them has any real reason to stick around forever, even if Roman finds himself dreading the thought of them leaving. Life, after all, has a sort of impermanence to it, and Roman can hardly count on them to stay with him when even his own parents have a wildly different idea of who he should be.

So Roman does his best to cherish their time together while they still have it, and when Logan and Patton start talking about colleges to apply to, he smiles, even as the image of all of them in wildly different places fills him with an unfamiliar feeling.

“I mean, I’d absolutely love to go to Julliard, but I’m not really good enough, so…” Roman finds himself answering, the very thought of himself making it into Julliard drawing a brief strain of hope out of him. Beside him, Logan hums and looks down at his notebook.

“So, you’re planning on majoring in drama, then?” and Roman watches as Logan sifts through papers, and then he’s pulling out three sheets of paper and handing one to each of them. Roman examines the paper, startled to find a table of colleges, with a series of checkmarks beside them. At the top, all three of their names are typed out, and Roman stares as the world around him seems to shift entirely.

“I’ve been looking into what colleges might work best for each of us, to see if there was anywhere that might fit us all. Patton, this August you mentioned you were thinking about psychology, but I’m aware that your intentions might have changed since then, so let me know if there’s something else you’d like me to check for.” Patton nods excitedly, glancing down at the paper. Roman’s still reeling, trying to understand the meaning of what’s been placed before him, but Logan doesn’t seem to notice his confusion when he turns to address him.

“I presumed that you’d be planning on drama for your major, Roman, but I also did some research into English and music departments, just in case. And you should absolutely apply to Julliard if you want, Roman. There’s certainly no harm in it, and- well, you’re the best actor at our school for sure. Aside from that, I thought it might be nice to apply to at least a few schools together.” Logan’s fidgeting hands betray a hint of nervousness as he continues. “I thought it might be agreeable if we could find a school that worked well for all of us, so I’ve been doing some rudimentary research.”

“Rudimentary,” Roman snorts as his head starts to wrap around what Logan’s proposing, and he reaches over to claim one of Logan’s hands with his own, and grab the notebook with the other, so he can flip through the pages of scribbled notes it contains. “How long have you been working on this Logan?” Logan flushes, and Roman feels his face break into a full-on grin, his heart feeling lighter than it has in months.

“Well, I think that’s a lovely idea!” Patton exclaims; his face flushing with delight. “I didn’t want to admit it, but I was starting to worry about the thought of being so far away from you guys next year.” Roman watches as some of the tension releases from Logan’s shoulders, and in the face of their clear joy, Roman chokes down his disbelief. Instead, he smiles and agrees, and spends the rest of his lunch doing his best to maintain his attention as Logan lists off all the colleges he thinks would work best, and all the pros and cons of each one.

Unfortunately, doubt isn’t quite so easily destroyed, and when Roman completes his homework that evening, throwing himself into his latest project is all he can do to keep the nagging thoughts at bay. After all, Logan is supposed to be the logical one, and Roman can’t imagine why he would be willing to settle for a school that would fit all of them. Roman had been sure he’d be headed for MIT, or some other fancy school of import. So, he works and works, desperate to quiet his brain, and the clock blinks back its angry letters in the dim light until exhaustion finally overtakes him and he stumbles his way over to the welcoming embrace of his blankets.

The balance begins to tip after that, and Roman catches himself, for the first time, nodding off in the duller moments of his class. Teachers seem to notice too, if the irritated looks are anything to go by, and the glares worry him enough that he dives into his assignments with a desperate vigor, determined to complete them so carefully that each of his in-class transgressions might be ignored.

Roman finds himself staying up later, fighting beneath the weight of both his homework and projects, until he’s collapsing against his desk, exhaustion poking at the corners of his eyes, even as a hundred different stories stare up at him from the blank paper in front of him, and a hot kind of shame stabbing at his chest. He never seems to get any closer to finishing anything, no matter how much time he puts into his work, and he hates it. Artists - _successful artists_ \- need to be able to finish their work. And yet Roman’s been doing this for years by now, and he still can’t seem to finish anything, can’t keep his attention on a single plot for long enough to even dream at being able to write “The End.”

No, instead Roman has piles of half-finished sketches and pages of nonsense; of characters without homes and plots without people, of brief, vague ideas that have yet to formulate themselves into anything solid, and of clear, well-illuminated scenes, suspended in stasis and all alone, without any story to fall back onto.

The only reason Roman even manages to apply to any colleges, in the end, is because Logan is there, narrowing down the best schools for them all, and he lets his boyfriend guide him through the process of applying, desperately working to perfect his application essays in the free time that only seems to be draining away before his very eyes. He’s relieved when Logan only briefly mentions applying to Julliard again, and Roman is able to brush it off, pretending he has it handled. He doesn’t even bother to look up the application process, though. After all, there’s no way that some half-baked creative like him would be accepted.

By spring, Roman finds himself intimately familiar with the feeling of forcing his eyes open, no closer to completing any of his stories and his schoolwork somehow still not entirely finished. He’s used to the effort it takes to push himself up into a sitting position, neck creaking as he stretches, and his limbs full of a vague kind of ache. He doesn’t have to check the time to know that he’s only got a handful of minutes to get ready before he needs to head out the door, so he drags himself into a standing position and throws on a clean shirt. Roman’s mornings stopped including enough time to plan his outfits in mid-January, and now it’s April and the memory of having an actual style is so distant it’s nearly forgotten. Instead, Roman pairs his shirt with his most comfortable pair of jeans, focused only on the hope that he can make it to class on time today.

Roman laments the lost sleep as he makes his way to school, wishing that there was simply more time in the day, for Roman to get everything done. He flinches in class when he receives his homework back- more than half the answers are wrong; one should never do math when dead tired, but there’s not really been another choice lately. He shoves the papers into his backpack before Logan can see them, knowing full well what his boyfriend will think if he sees the horrid grades - _the words ‘not good enough’ bounce through his mind, a repeating echo of all of his failures-_ and tries his best to pay attention, even as exhaustion murmurs at the edge of his mind, drawing him further and further down.

His head hits the desk in the middle of third period with a dull thunk. Luckily, the teacher either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care. The bell wakes him thirty minutes later, drawing his head up as he blinks the sleep from his eyes, trying to remember where he is.

But when the class is over, and Roman is gathering his things so he can head to lunch, his teacher calls his name before he can leave, and Roman is forced to blink back the bleariness and focus on the words his teacher’s saying.

“This is the third time you’ve fallen asleep in my class this semester.” He says, when the rest of the class has filed out the door. “And you’ve been making obvious mistakes on your homework. I know you’re not interested in the class, but you need to manage your time better, Roman. Even if you don’t care about your grades in this class, colleges will.” The exhaustion drains from his body in an instant as the teacher waits for an answer. In its place, adrenaline begins to course through him, making him cold with fear. But he can’t think of a coherent answer, and in its place he’s stuck staring at his teacher, wondering if this is what a deer feels like when watching a car careening straight at it.

The teacher doesn’t say anything at first, clearly waiting for a response, but when it doesn’t come, he sighs.

“Roman, I don’t think you understand how important this is. You’re coming dangerously close to failing in this class.”

The words slam into him with the force of a jet plane, and suddenly Roman can’t breathe. He can’t talk, can’t do anything but stand there as the teacher waits, still demanding a response that he doesn’t have. Time passes, and even as he stares blankly at the wall of his teacher’s classroom, the cracks in Roman’s life web out even further, and in the barest instant, everything shatters, the ground disappearing from beneath Roman’s feet, and he is left plummeting down into a nightmarishly dark abyss. The teacher watches him. He cannot respond. There is nothing left to say, nothing left to do. Roman will fail. Roman already _has_ failed.

Eventually (has it been minutes? Hours? Days?), the teacher lets out another frustrated sigh; gives up and walks away and Roman is left standing alone, desperately trying to restart his brain, just enough so that he can stumble his way out of the damn place, just enough so that he can find somewhere safe to break down.

He doesn’t make it very far. Roman bursts into tears in the hallway; collapses against his locker as the weight of his every failure comes crashing down onto him. There is no saving him, no fixing this final of disasters. Barely a month left in school, and Roman does not know how to drag his grade back up from the ditch he dug for it, not in time for it to matter. So, Roman cries.

Passing students give him weird, concerned looks, but Roman can’t bear to choke it all back down, so he tries his best to ignore the judgement in their eyes, shifts further out of the way, backs himself up until he’s pressed against the wall, shaking apart at the seams.

Patton finds him later, and Roman can’t tell whether it’s been a few minutes or an eternity, but Patton quickly folds himself onto the floor next to Roman’s shaking form, curls around him like a blanket, and whispers soothing sounds into his ear. It only makes Roman cry harder.

“What happened?” Patton asks, when the tears finally stop coming, and Roman feels like he can maybe think again. His voice is soft and gentle, and Roman doesn’t know how to explain it, so he just whimpers, curls into Patton’s arms, and tries to forget.

Eventually Logan appears, and together he and Patton manage to coax Roman up, off the floor, and they slowly make their way out to Logan’s car. Roman lets them buckle him in without protest. He’s so very tired, and he doesn’t think he can keep his eyes open any longer.

Roman rouses back to some level of awareness when the car comes to a stop. He’s still tired, exhausted and drawn, and he lets them pull him, support his weight together, as the three boys stumble towards the door. Vaguely, he thinks he feels someone touch his side, frowns in confusion, before the word key drifts through his fuzzy sleep-drunk mind. Then, everything starts to go dark, darker, his exhausted brain dragging him down into unconsciousness once more. It will be weeks before he realizes that both his friends ditched class for him.

The sunlight, sneaking its way through his blinds, is what finally pulls Roman back to awareness. He is warm, wrapped in blankets, and the exhaustion is still there, but it has definitely receded; has lessened its death grip on Roman’s life. He feels numb.

He lays there, mind feeling strangely silent, heart slow and relaxed, and mulls over the confusion, works his way backwards in time through his memories. He was tired, so tired. Logan and Patton had helped him to his room, practically dragged him there. Before that, he had been crying. He remembers it vaguely, some horrible distress that had been gripping his heart so tightly he couldn’t breathe. He thinks, tries to remember further back, but a haze has settled over his brain and he cannot remember. His heart is beating slow, calm and relaxed. He cannot remember the last time he pulled himself into wakefulness without the help of coffee. His stomach rumbles.

Roman pulls himself up into a sitting position. He is hungry, he suddenly realizes, stomach rolling with displeasure at the missed dinner he had lost to this sleep. Briefly, Roman wonders what day it is. He finds that he doesn’t really care. Pushing himself up, further, out of bed, proves to be surprisingly difficult, his limbs like dead weights, his head heavy, his mind still foggy with the remnants of his exhaustion. It will take more than one night of rest to cure Roman of his bone-deep exhaustion.

Ambling steps make for a sufficient enough means of getting Roman to the kitchen, and dully he remembers that his parents are both away on a business trip. There is no one to judge him, no matter how much he stumbles. With a final burst of effort, he makes it the last few feet, collapses into a kitchen chair and blinks up at-

Logan, who’s sitting beside him, perched on a chair of his own, nursing a warm mug of tea and completing a crossword puzzle out of that book he carries everywhere. Just a few feet away, Patton bustles around in the kitchen, looking very much like he owns the place. Both of them look the very image of a peaceful domestic life. Roman’s brain stalls, confusion seeping in. He does not think he remembers living with them.

“Morning, Roman.” Logan suddenly murmurs, drawing Roman’s eyes straight to his own, where the slightest of frowns is visible. “I hope you slept well?”

“What-” Roman begins. Stops. Gathers his thoughts. Starts again. “Why are you here? I don’t remember-” What Roman is supposed to remember, he doesn’t know. Everything still feels so strange. Logan raises his eyebrow at him.

“No?” He asks. “That is- rather concerning. You must have been even more exhausted than we estimated.” Patton bustles over, just then, and slides a steaming mug in front of Roman. He glances down, stares at its clear brown contents.

“This isn’t coffee.” Roman states. He usually drinks coffee in the morning, but this isn’t-

“No,” Logan agrees. “I rather think you should be taking some care to avoid coffee for the time being.” A pause. “Tell me, Roman. On average how many hours of sleep have you been getting lately?” The question is unexpected. Roman doesn’t know how to answer, so instead he leans back and begins to sip at the tea.

“I...” Roman shifts with uncertainty. “I usually get to sleep by three?” Something clatters to the ground, and Roman glances over to see Patton standing frozen, spatula now on the floor. Roman forces his gaze downwards, to the ground.

“And when do you usually wake up?” Logan prods further.

“Five?” Roman offers, cringing beneath the weight of their combined disappointment. Patton makes a noise then, and moments later arms are wrapping around his shoulders, holding so tightly that Roman can hardly think.

“How long?” Patton breathes beside him. “How long have we been missing this?”

“Forever?” Roman finds himself asking, realizing with horror that he can’t even remember a time when he didn’t feel tired. “Pretty much since-” he cuts himself off; they don’t know about the accident.

“Since what?” Logan presses. And when did he make his way around the table?

“I don’t know... Since I was a kid, I guess.” He doesn’t want to tell them. He _can’t_ tell them. “It didn’t used to be so bad though.” Time has always felt so strange to Roman. Like a speeding car, it comes at him so fast but in the mirror looking back, it feels like he’s already wasted decades of his life on dreams that’ll never come true.

Logan sighs, leans forward from his spot beside Roman’s chair, reaches out to grab his hand. The fuzziness is almost gone now, and Logan’s eyes capture him for a long moment. Nobody moves. The clock ticks forward but it seems like time is frozen for one precious moment. And then Roman looks away, and everything resumes.

“Roman, you _need_ to sleep. If I- if we had realized...” Logan trails off. Roman breathes in relief. He really doesn’t want to know how that sentence would end.

“I can’t.” Roman says. “There’s too much to do and not enough time, and now I’m failing math-”

Oh.

“Failing?” Of course, he remembers it now. Roman’s been skipping out on his math homework more often than not these days and there’s just _not enough time left to fix it_. He can’t meet Logan’s gaze. Logan, who’s the smartest person Roman’s ever met; Logan who never gets less than a hundred percent on any assignment, and Roman dares to be failing algebra? If he didn’t hate him before...

“Roman, you idiot.” Logan breathes out. “Why didn’t you tell me? I would have helped you in an instant.” The response catches him off-guard, and he blinks back up at his boyfriend, who stares down at him. The sorrow there reminds of his mother’s eyes when he woke up in the hospital. He only sort of remembers the actual collision of the other car slamming into them, but the aftermath still makes him nervous to think about, even all these years later. His mother still walks with a limp, and even though the scars on Roman’s arm have mostly faded, the name that had once graced the flesh had never returned, even past the scar tissue. He still remembers the tests, the fear and concern in his parents’ eyes as doctors explained that he might have brain damage and the insomnia that had followed him ever since. Roman doesn’t mention any of that, though; isn’t ready for the vulnerability which that would require, so he just shivers and glances down.

Roman doesn’t know how they do it, but he ends up back in his math teacher’s classroom, that Monday. Patton stands behind him, a reassuring weight on his shoulder, as Roman stammers out his apology and asks what he can do to fix his grade. He doesn’t know what to expect, is trying desperately to prepare himself for derision, for refusal. Instead, his teacher only asks one question.

“Why didn’t you talk to me sooner?” The question is genuine, and Roman doesn’t know how to express how sorry he is, so he just tries his best to answer. It ends in soft, embarrassing tears that usher themselves forth as he struggles through an explanation of how he kept telling himself it wasn’t as bad as it seemed. Somewhere in the middle he accidentally admits to how worthless he feels, and Patton’s hand tightens on his shoulder. But maybe it needed to happen, because after that, the teacher stops demanding answers, and just works out a plan, a series of assignments and exercises, says that Roman can do them to make up for all his missed homework. His teacher tells him to try to get as much of it done as he can, and then makes him promise to stop by on every Friday afternoon, just to check in on how far he’s gotten.

Once they make it out of the room, it becomes Logan’s job to keep him together. They get together whenever they have free time; spend it alternating between their houses, and working through every problem, and when Roman balks beneath the weight of all the work, Logan catches Patton’s eye from his place beside them, and they drag him away from it all, offering him moments of distraction just when he needs it most.

Logan walks him through every problem with a guiding, calm voice. He talks with Roman every night, calling him over the internet, and telling him about his research, reads him ancient stories until he finally falls asleep each evening. Patton offers him encouragement, warm and bright and brazenly confident that Roman will succeed, even when he’s struggling. Patton takes him to the meeting with his teacher that Friday, and when they leave, Patton pulls him into a hug, long and warmer than Roman’s felt in so long.

Months later, Roman will laugh with Logan and Patton. He will joke about how stupid he was not to ask for help sooner. Months later, in the heat of summer, Roman will come to a decision and tell them the truth. He will confess in the dark of night and tell them everything that led to the faded scars on his arms and will admit to them the name that he had, once upon a time, on his wrist.

“I don’t even know if they’re still out there. Maybe they got a new name, but I-” Roman will trail off.

“I for one am glad you didn’t get a new name. After all, you might not have asked me out if you did, and I find that I rather enjoy your company.” Logan will respond, his face flushing slightly as Patton beams beside him. And Roman will take a deep breath and know that everything is far from perfect- there are still nights where he lays awake for hours, and occasionally he still catches the whisper of self-doubt on Patton’s face, but at the very least, it seems they’ll always have each other. And after all, isn’t that worth all the stars in the sky?


End file.
